2:36 a.m.

okay,

so now i'm plain freaked out
the phone rang again.

and this time for sure it did not die.

and i answered
and
silence.

who calls after 2 a.m. with nothing to say?

2 a.m.

my cell phone rings.
private number.
i answer.

'hello?'

low battery
says my frelling cell phone.

and dies.

the whole day the freaking thing worked, and no one called
and just as i am sitting here
alone in doro's ganghouse
waiting for life to happen
bored out of my tree and insomnisized
the phone rings
and then dies.

is it divine intervention?
am i meant to sit here contemplating my navel?

who were you, i wonder?

why didn't you call back?

More Mad World....

"- I think the whole world's gone mad.
- Uh-Uh. It's always been like this.
You probably just don't get out enough."

/Sexton and Death, in Gaiman's Death: The High Cost of Living.

Impermanence

Buddha proclaimed the three characteristics of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness and insubstantiality (anitya, duhkha and anatman)

"Impermanent indeed are all conditioned things; they are of the nature of arising and passing away. Having come into being, they cease to exist. Hence their pacification is tranquility."

The hardest lesson. Things come, things go. The harder we hold onto them, the more we dig our fingernails in, the more quickly they slip through our fingers. The difficult part is trusting that what we essentially need will find us, if we know what we seek.

My, what delicate brains you have, dear!

Discipline.
The most evasive ten letter word in my vocabulary.

Magoo could see his way more clearly to a schedule.

Random German words of warning

es ist harmlos
am anfang...

dein leben wird sich ändern
für immer...

apparently, Blogger doesn't do umlautes.
but i think the randomness works.

Just Desserts

How do we know when we get what we deserve?

Is it predestined? Karma? Geographic? Cause and effect? Zodiac sign? Which one?

Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people, whether we like it or not. And what about when not much happens at all?

Do we really all deserve to be happy?

What are our basic human rights? Is that variable?

Why do we think we're so valuable as individuals?

So full of questions today, after a mostly sleepless night hanging around in somebody else's life.

Exhausted and yet somehow encased in a moment of clarity, a little like those gorgeous ice storm days when sleeping branches find their dreams enveloped in crystalline winter cloaks, a warped prismic fun house, treacherous and fragile, and so hard and cold, but pure and unmistakeably honest. A day like that takes my breath away.

Strange Days

Some days, no matter how well you think you might have it together, it all comes apart.

It seems to me that life is all of these little patches stitched together, and in the end, we forget about all of the stitches... and not even in the end, but immediately when we've moved on to the next stitch.
The sort of crummy thing is, the stitches are the hard work, and there are so many of them. But no one looks at that. They only look at the product.

The Greeks used to see time in an entirely different way than we do. We see time as each individual moving always forward, gazing into the future from the present. They saw time as an interminable free fall, our backs toward an unknown future, and facing always toward the past, which moves so rapidly away. This is somehow more accurate, and both enlightening and depressing.

Not so many of us can see into the future, and too many spend so much time mourning for the past, whether that be last week, last year, or ten years ago. I can't help the feeling that I am still waiting for this past to look mournfully into ... my past so far feels quite a bit like it happened to someone else, or if to me, when I wasn't looking.

But I remember the stitches....

Mad World

My regular sage out of commission, and my thesis approaching rapidly on the horizon, I'm reluctantly submitting to the arrival of the BlogAge in the fervent hope that it may kick start some desire to start writing ....

Henry Kissinger on the BBC, justifying the actions of the Shrub... who asked him, anyway?

Worse still, the foreign minister of Serbia dismisses the war atrocities directed by everybody's favourite monster, Slobodan Milosevic, by saying that the world is only coming down on them for murdering people because they're not a superpower. Like, hey, the US gets to slaughter people, so why shouldn't everyone be allowed? The real crime was that a war happened in Croatia/Yugoslavia at all, and according to Serbia, they were the least responsible for that.

Italy introduces legislation restricting artificial fertility measures, including the insemination of women over child bearing age (the oldest examples topping off at 65 years), and the freeze drying of in excess of three embryos, the argument for that one being that it may take more than three to find a 'perfect' one, and I think of all the kids out there waiting to be adopted and I wonder how sick we've gotten.

What the fuck is going on in the world?

My German speaking job at a Japanese Sushi restaurant, run by a Nepalese man and a Korean woman, was saved by my ability to speak French to the Swiss, and English to South Africans...

Normally a winter-girl, i am aching in every bone for the advent of spring ... even the heartrendingly beautiful lightly falling snow is no condolence for the bitterness that this winter carries on it's frosted breath.

I have the waiting feeling again, won't be long until the lust for motion takes hold ...