Far away, so close

It was with great sadness that I received the news of Martin's
passing. I wanted to take some time to share my feelings, about Martin
and about our ISNM family, that have surfaced in the contemplation of
this loss. I don't think we spend enough time celebrating the people
who form and shape our personal crusades, and this is for me an
attempt to reconcile that.

I have such vivid memories of the time we spent together, all of us
... as I read Imke's email I immediately saw Martin riding his bicycle
up the cobblestone driveway of the media docks, a bag of organic
veggies in his basket, Pismo laptop strapped in to his knapsack. I
invision papers flying out behind him, cartoon style ... Martin always
had that hectic air of absent minded genius on his way to an earth
shattering breakthrough. I see him typing furiously on Grumpy in the
library. I'm not sure how many are aware, but it was largely Martin
that rounded out our library collection, researching and ordering
crazy and interesting books like it was going out of style.

I remember Martin with blue ink on his lips, personalizing a copy of
the Hitchhiker's Guide series, a memento for Michael Docherty,
laughing and silly. I remember him telling me that since he became
vegetarian, fish had become his friends. I remember lengthy debates
about eating options on an Amsterdam Friday night. I remember him
silently leaving a pile of burned cds of music that he thought I might
like beside "my" computer. He was always right on with my taste. And
most vividly in my mind's eye, I have a snapshot of him that I took on
a train to Amsterdam that's so perfect ... I'll forward it along when
I find it in the archives ...

Martin and I did not always see eye to eye; I believe the wisdom of
our good friend and mentor Richard Scotti, and I'm certain that the
things that at times made me crazy about Martin are things that make
me crazy about myself; the madcap chaos of process that gets us there
with seconds to spare, or even ten minutes late, charming and
apologetic ... the fire of energy undirected, a million semi-related
interests and ideas and detours of thought, sometimes hard to follow;
indignant belief in a position, right or wrong, and the desire to
defend that conviction, even in the light of irrationality. I'd like
to think these are the hazards of passionate conviction and boundless
imagination .... definitely they are the ingredients for fertile and
heated debate...

Sometimes, I'll admit, I thought his ideas were a bit wild ... he was
in favor of memorializing the WTC tragedy with an American buffalo
sanctuary built on the site (interesting idea: possibly not so good
for the buffalo); he wanted us to send quivers from the four corners
of the world to commemorate our ISNM experience (I think we should do
this now); crazy, creative, unlikely, spontaneous, impractical and
distinctively Martin.

And here I am in this moment, on the other side of the world, and at
the very same moment, echoing in the halls of the Media Docks,
negotiating who heard what deadline for what paper, and what details
for what assignment, and it seems so real, so flesh and blood.

We all look so young in that very first photo of the Elite students
... first day of school with our Wundertute, the next two years
stretching out in front of us. This tragic event has given me lots of
pause to think about the sometimes painful, sometimes beautiful,
intimacy that we all had the amazing opportunity to share, the short
time that we had the fortune to grow together, and to experience each
others' lives. The strength of the bond that we share is something
that I hold very dear, even and maybe especially in this moment of
grief and loss.

If energy is neither created nor destroyed, death may leave us lonely
for our friends, but not alone without them. Memories of Martin will
last a lifetime, and we will breathe life into those memories when we
meet other wonderful, distinct human beings who carry a piece of his
energy with them.

To Martin's family, I express overwhelming appreciation for giving us
the experience of Martin for the time that we had, and I wish you luck
and close friends for the long journey of healing you have in front of
you. My thoughts are with you in this darkest time.

To my ISNM family, I don't know in what way I can express what a part
of me you all are, and all, including Martin, continue to be. I can
only hope that we all take this opportunity to articulate our deep
affection to the people that make us who we are. My thoughts are with
you often.

While there seems to be so much more to say, to think, to express (how
can the experience of knowing any one person be summarized in 500
words?) I think I'll end here, with a quote from Kahlil Gibran that
has helped me come to a place of understanding in the face of other
loss. Whenever I have had cause to ask why a vital, vibrant, shooting
star leaves this earth, as now, I read these words and try to
understand that it was their turn to melt into the sun.

I wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you all, but know that
we're never far from each other.

You matter.

denise brennan



For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.